“The adoption took time, the love arrived instantly.” 

November celebrates National Adoption Month and this year’s theme was “Engage Youth: Listen and Learn.” The Children’s Bureau’s goal each year is to increase awareness of the need for children and youth, regardless  of culture, race or religion, to be matched with loving families through the process of adoption. 

Xavier Foundation’s Director of Advancement Mary Harken and her husband, Jim, are proud parents to three adopted children: Lucas, who is 10 years old, Michael, who is 9 years old, and Dominick, who is 7 years old. While the Harkens were unable to have children biologically, that did not stop them from wanting to welcome children into their lives. 

“We both agreed before we got married that we liked the idea of adoption. Both Jim and I knew and admired families who had adopted, so for us it was a natural next step,” Mary said.

With their minds made up, they began a very detailed and time-consuming process, including adoption classes, background checks and home visits with a social worker. 

“Adoption is not for the faint of heart, there are many ups/downs, but focusing on God and His plan for building our family was a constant and helped us even in the darkest of times. The entire process took several years…[however] after years of lining up the many details that go into an adoption, it only took about 24 hours between when we met Lucas’s birthmother in person, and they told us she had chosen us, to when we were buckling him into his brand new car seat to bring him home,” Mary said.

Lucas was brought home at 16 days old in 2010 in Phoenix,  Arizona, Michael at 12 days old in 2011 in Mesa, Arizona and Dominick at 30 days old in 2013 in Phoenix, Arizona. 

“We just had to be open to God’s plan and say, when the door opens, say yes. We walked through that door and kept trusting that the right kids would come to us and that we would build our family in the right way,” Mary said.

In the adoption process, she and her husband also attended cultural sensitivity training, which is a requirement in order to adopt children of different races. Cultural sensitivity training focuses on ways to address cultural generalizations and biases and helps the parents preserve the cultures of their adopted children. 

“When you start learning about different cultures’ experiences, that’s when the empathy really hits home,” Mary said. “Even though it might be unintentional, there are situations and questions that make children of different ethnic backgrounds feel uncomfortable when they are surrounded by people that don’t look like them. This could be in terms of jokes, slang or simply a generalization of a group of people. You have to give your kids tools and vocabulary to be able to respond to those situations.”

Due to the rise in the discussion of racial injustice that has been seen in the United States, especially in this past year, Mary spoke about the need for teachers and parents to have uncomfortable conversations in order to create safe spaces for everyone, regardless of differences.

At very young preschool ages, Jim and Mary were surprised to hear their kids (of Mexican, Polish and African American heritage) talk matter-of-factly about skin color and use adjectives like “good” and “bad.” While the Harkens have been working to celebrate and appreciate the skin color differences in their family, the outside world has told them something different. 

“This was a wakeup call,” Jim said. “It’s not enough to simply have the conversations in the home, but it’s an ongoing conversation that needs to happen at home in other settings as well. On a regular basis, we talk about how cool our skin color differences make us, how we need to stand up for others who might look different and introduce books like A Kids Book About Racism by Jelani Memory so that we keep those lines of communication open.”

The Harkens absolutely encourage those thinking about adoption to look into it, as they have loved what adopting three boys has given them. 

“Not only is it a great way to build or create your family, but you also know you are giving that child a chance for a different and hopefully better life,” Jim said.

Families interested in adoption should have conversations and explore the option by looking into an accredited adoption agency. The Harkens are a testament to the gift of adoption and are a family united in love.

“We want them [our kids] to know the very special birth story that is uniquely theirs, and that adoption grows the family and love, it never takes away from the amazing gift of God they are to our family and to others,” Mary said. “While our family story might not look exactly like others, we hope to instill that these differences are a beautiful part of God’s plan for our lives.”